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I DID'NT DO IT!!

THIS EXACT PICTURE HANGS ON OUR WALL AS A REMINDER OF MY CHILDRENS FAVORITE SAYING ALL IN GOOD HUMOR OF COURSE!!
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MOTHER HUMOR

POSITION AVAILABLE : Mom


JOB DESCRIPTION

Long term team players needed for challenging Permanent work
in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be able
to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy
weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties
also required. You will be expected to carry with you at all times
those things needed at any given moment in odd locations such as
but not nearly limited to tissue, batteries, chap stick, paper clips for
broken zippers and snacks when someone will die from starvation.  


RESPONSIBILITIES:

This is for the rest of your life." Must be willing to be hated at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go somewhere.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must
possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph to three in seconds flat in case, this time,
the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as
small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production
of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.  Illness or chronic pain is accepted in this
position but will not be excused as a reason to not fulfill all of the job
requirements, however those you work for are allowed excuses.


POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none.Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining. You must constantly retrain and update your skills
without forgoing your current duties, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. But you must have the patience
of a Saint when you accidently get pinched or  bopped in the
head by an energetic obilivious little one. On-the-job training offered
on a continually exhausting basis. *NOTE*  Babies have the strength
of two men in their tiny little fingers.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS:

While there is no weekly pay check, no health or dental insurance,
no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no
stock options offered the job does supply limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right!